Hayate Say What?
by Team GEMINI
Summary: A series of crack fics thought up during a Team GEMINI MSN convo. P.s - Novel previews of "名無し: What we are," at the end of every chapter uploaded. :D
1. Chapter 1

Hayate Say What?

By Team GEMINI

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xYuki - Just a series of crack one shots to keep me occupied, and post up a few previews of the new novel... ;-; It's long, and I've just started it. Over 70 pages... of nothing but useless intro. T-T

Usa - She isn't kidding...

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Auntie Hayate Says That...

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Takamachi Nanoha sat in the living room with a book about parenting. She was carefully reading the words, trying to absorb every single tip the book had to offer. She was on chapter 6 page 9. This chapter was about the joys of nap time.

"When baby is put to sleep, make sure to loom over the room and wait till you are sure your child is fast asleep." Nanoha read out loud to herself. "After you are positive your bundle of joy is asleep, rush to your bedroom and lock it. After doing so, you and your wife can enjoy a good few hours of scrubbing the carpet, petting the cat, scaling the fluffy mounting, and eating hot, moist cherry pie with a lemon zest."

She turned the page and blushed at the illustrated picture and flipped forward to the next chapter, chapter 10: The Babysitter.

"Hm," Nanoha hummed. "When hiring a babysitter, look for someone that will occupy the child long enough for you and your wife to mosey on down to the nearest hotel where you and her can explore the dark wet cave and find the treasure within, poke the walnut, and rub velcro loops. Of course you'll have to go home eventually. The babysitter is only temporary after all."

Turning the page again, Nanoha gasped when she saw a well-illustrated picture of two women going at it like rabbits. "Nyahaha, Hayate-chan, you're a pervert. I thought I told you not to use those pictures..." Nanoha mumbled to herself with a heavy sigh, "You didn't get my good side."

Closing the book titled, "Yagami Hayate's Guide to Parenting," Nanoha leaned back into the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. She drummed her fingers on the soft surface beneath her, her eyes slowly trailing back down to the book.

"One last look won't hurt right? Page 69 wasn't so bad..." she said quietly, convincing herself to pick up the book and read it once more.

With the book opened to page 69, Nanoha stared at the text, but in truth she was only building up the excitement for when she got to the bottom of the page where the picture was located.

"Nyahaha, Fate-chan you naughty girl." Nanoha giggled. She was so preoccupied, Nanoha didn't notice her daughter watching her with a curious look.

"Mama?" Vivio said with a hesitant voice.

Nanoha jumped and slammed the book close, chucking it out of the window. She turned her head to look at the little blonde and said, "What is it sweetie?"

"Mama, I've been hearing strange things about you..." Vivio said as she walked over to her young mother and plopping down onto the couch beside her.

Nanoha gulped and crossed her arms, sweat sliding down her neck, "Like what Sweetie?" Nanoha asked with a tremble.

"Well, Auntie Hayate says that when a girl and another girl really love each other..."

"Vivio, Sweetie, I'm scared to hear the end of that sentence..."

"No interrupting!" Vivio shouted with her cheeks puffed out, little arms crossed across her chest.

"Sorry!" Nanoha yelped.

Sighing, Vivio sternly looked at her mother and said, "Ahem," she cleared her throat. "Anyways, Auntie Hayate says that when two girls love each other very much, the more barbaric and manly of the two, forces the more timid partner to cross-dress."

"Excuse me, what?" Nanoha dead panned.

"Well, a friend of a friend of a friend, of a friend who's dating a friend's second cousin twice removed, said that Fate-mama is really Fate-papa, and I believe him," Vivio said, her eyebrows creasing together. "But she doesn't cross dress, so what Auntie Hayate said is starting to confuse me."

Nanoha gulped.

"Anyways, my question is... is this how it is between you and Auntie Yuuno?"

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xYuki - OSSU! :D Here's a sneak peak to the novel... would you believe me if I said we have over... 4 people working on the novel? Don't because we've actually got about 9 people working on it... lulz.

Anyways enjoy the preview. :D

SHOUT OUT TO SMIGGERS, THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO YOU!

And of course, to my loyal team who has supported me. :3 Let's all work hard for the completion of 名無し.

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名無し(Nameless): What we are

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"Yeah," Vivio shifted her weight from leg to leg, fiddling with what ever she could get her hands on. "So, how's Fate-nee-chan?"

Nanoha stiffened up visibly, "So how's school?" she asked changing the topic as fast as she could.

"It's okay," Vivio replied awkwardly. "How's work?"

"Okay I guess," Nanoha said, her eyes darting back and forth from Vivio and then over to the picture on the fridge. "I gave the mother of all biology tests to my students not too long ago. The majority my class flunked it."

Vivio laughed awkwardly, "You're such a mean teacher, nyahaha."

"No, it's their fault for talking during my class."

"How many questions?"

"Hundred-twenty-... two."

"Wow," Vivio mouthed. She looked to the side and frowned, "So um, this isn't awkward at all..."

"Nyahaha, you're growing up too fast Vivio." Nanoha smiled softly at her daughter and crossed her arms. "You're only six years old, and yet here you are using such large words."

"I am the daughter of a librarian and a highschool biology teacher; however I believe my vocabulary would be far more extensive if both of my parental units were present at the same vicinity."

Nanoha quirked her eyebrow and flipped her hair, "Vivio-... your father and I are just too different, I don't think we'll ever be together again."

"I know," Vivio crossed her arms and frowned. "You're too busy sleeping with that girl who's like what? Twice my age?"

Nanoha had nothing to say.

"I thought so."

"Fate-chan and I broke up about a month ago. You won't have to worry about seeing her ever again." Nanoha told her daughter in a cold distant voice. She turned towards the doorway that lead to the back door and just before she left said, "I really wish that you wouldn't grow up so fast, but I guess the way you're acting now is partially my fault."

"What?"

"People told me that I should have given you up, I was only nineteen when I had you, I didn't have the time to raise a child," Nanoha chuckled softly. "I proved them wrong. I got my teaching degree and raised you, but-"

"You ended up cheating on papa with a girl who's old enough to be your little sister."

It was taking every single bit of self restraint Nanoha had to not slap her own daughter. The way Vivio spoke to her so pretentiously angered Nanoha to no ends. When did her sweet little Vivio become such a back talker? She didn't raise her to act like this, she didn't sacrifice her happiness, her hopes and dreams for a girl that didn't respect her.

"Vivio, as your mother I demand that you stop speaking to me in such a way." Nanoha said with a stern voice, causing Vivio to shudder in fear. "But as your mother, I apologize for all the wrong things I have done to you, but I will not apologize for falling in love with who I did."

"I don't care if you liked her or not!"

"Then what's wrong!? Is it because I don't want to be with your father!? Vivio, sweetie, I tried my best to make things work with your father." Nanoha placed her left hand over her heart and looked at Vivio earnestly. "But it just isn't happening! I only stayed with him for as long as I did because of you!"

"No more!" Vivio screamed out loud, her hands covering her eyes, her eyes shut tight. "No more! My daddy is the nicest man ever! Don't talk about him like that!"

"Yes, your father is a good man, but he's just not the man for me."

"Why?"

"You had fun with Fate-chan didn't you?" Nanoha asked with a small sliver of hope. "You liked it when she bought you that stuffed toy."

"I threw that out."

"You liked it when she brought us to that zoo!"

"Yes, I enjoyed it only because I saw her as more of a sister," Vivio glared at Nanoha and stamped her foot down onto the ground. "Not my future mother."

"..." Nanoha closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. "Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me. I really was serious about her."

"She's fifteen years old, Okaa-san! Think of what people would say about me?" Vivio stomped her foot again. "I don't want to be known as the daughter of a pedophile!"

Nanoha didn't know what else to say, her own daughter thought so poorly of her, what else was there to say? She was hurt beyond belief. What was Yuuno saying about her?

"I would honestly prefer if you were just a lesbian, but no. You just had to be interested in younger women!" tears were falling down Vivio's cheeks as she thrashed about.

Nanoha was speechless, Vivio just didn't understand. "I'm sorry for disappointing you, but I will not apologize for falling in love with who I did. I don't regret anything." Nanoha said with a softer tone of voice before she left for the bakery, leaving Vivio's haggard sobs behind.

"I hate you! I hate you Mama!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hayate Say What?**

_Team GEMINI_

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Women's Clothing

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Nanoha opened the door to her apartment and noticed Yuuno's shoes by the door. Figuring her childhood friend was here, she decided to look for him.

"Yuuno-kun, are you here?" Nanoha called out. She looked everywhere for the blonde haired man, but realized she didn't check the master bedroom. She rushed over and noticed that the door was closed. "I thought I left this door open…" she said to herself as she reached for the doorknob. Giving it a firm twist, the door creak open. "Yuuno-kun, good thing you're here, I have some good news to tell you."

"Wait, Nanoha don't come in!" Yuuno shouted in a panic.

"Nyahaha, too late—Yuuno-kun, is that my green dress?" Nanoha asked, stupefied by the sight before her. "And… my bra?"

"…"

"And are those Fate's panties!?" Nanoha shouted with a disgusted tone. "And wait a minute… how'd you even fill the bra up?" Her eye caught onto a thin white sheet sticking out from beneath Yuuno's arm. "Is that tissue?"

Yuuno gulped. "This isn't want you think…"

"Where are you?" a deep male voice called out.

Nanoha frowned and Yuuno stiffed up (not literally of course). "This definitely isn't what you think!"

Once again the deep male voice called out. "Yuu-chan, I'm going to get you…"

"That… is not Shari." Nanoha stated flatly.

"Yuuno baby, sorry I took so long." The bathroom door opened revealing Chrono wearing a leopard print leotard. "Oh my God, Nanoha!"

Nanoha stood there speechless. Her best friend and her brother in law were in her bedroom wearing unmentionables. "Fuck this. I'm leaving. Burn that dress. I mean it." she said with a growl. "Oh and I want Fate's panties back."

Yuuno sighs and mumbles, "And I thought they looked good on me too…"

"Trust me girlfriend… no." Nanoha deadpanned.

"Can I keep the dress?" Yuuno asked nervously. "I like the colour…"

Nanoha rubbed her temples and sighed. "Fine, it brings out your eyes… and your fat ass."

"Okay, ouch… but what about the bra? It's easier to fill than Fate's." Yuuno adjusted the brazier and puffed out his chest.

"Okay, that was low…" Nanoha growled, her patience draining by the second. "But at least it's still bigger than your package."

Chrono snickered in the background, clearly enjoying the scene that was playing before him. "What package? I just see a stump, y'know like a Ken doll."

"Oh shut up! At least I look hotter in a dress than you do in a leotard!" Yuuno snapped back doing that strange "Z" shape snapping thing. "Mmhmm…"

"You take that back!" Chrono gasped out with tears in his eyes.

Nanoha stomped her foot and defended her brother-in-law. "He looks fabulous in that! Just like Justin Timberlake when he did that parody of all the single ladies! And I mean all of them…"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Hayate shot up in bed screaming her lungs off. The sweat rolled off of her face as she caught her breath. "That's it… no more fanfiction before going to bed." A silent rustling beside her caused Hayate to look to her left.

"What's wrong, Hayate?" Fate asked with a seductive look on her handsome face.

"Okay… still in a dream." Hayate said with a nod of her head. "But I approve."

"A dream? Don't be silly, Hayate-chan." Hayate looked to her right, her jaw dropping as she saw who was sitting to her right. "Come on, we've got a busy day tomorrow. Let's get some shut eye okay?"

"N-Nanoha—… chan?" Hayate stuttered. Slapping herself, Hayate grinned. "Best. Dream. EH-VAAH!"


End file.
